Sea of Humanity

Threat Level Orange: Simply Delicious!

Well, our esteemed leaders have decided to raise the threat level in the United States to Orange. I applaud Tom Ridge for his impeccable sense of timing. Threat Level Orange could not have come soon enough. Orange is a great color for winter and early spring. But what to do when such a threat level is instituted? Do you lay in supplies and hunker down waiting for the end of the world? Do you put on your elfin warrior costume and run through the streets doing the safety dance? Well fear not, we at the Sea have compiled a helpful treatise designed to help you save yourself during these perilous times.

1. Wear Comfortable (Yet Fashionable) Clothes

When the terrorists attack, or when the North Koreans row their asses over here and start shooting the place up, they are not going to let you run home to put your play clothes on. Unfortunately, you will likely be fighting in what you are wearing when they attack. So dress for the situation. We suggest cotton blends as they breathe, are absorbent and can be ripped into strips for use as a field dressing. If your office will let you wear fatigues then by all means do so. Don't worry about the stares you might get, because (a) camouflage is coming back in vogue and (b) you will have the last laugh when the terrorist snipers can't see you in the bushes while your co-workers stick out like sore thumbs. Footwear. Wear boots at all times.. They can be work boots, sturdy hiking boots, combat boots, or just plain old shit kickers. And Ladies, leave the high-heels at home. High heels might accentuate your calves and ass and might grab the attention of that cute guy in accounting, but they are just going to screw you over when you are running for your life. You can't run in high-heels. If you think your feet hurt after wearing high heels all day at work, imagine how much they will hurt after you have trudged miles through a bombed out, god-forsaken, urban wasteland.

2. Look Crazy As Fuck.

For as long as Threat Level Orange is in place, we have been advised by Homeland Security to be extra vigilant! Well extra vigilance might work in Mayberry or Green Acres, but not here in the Big City. Any would be terrorist or North Korean rabble-rouser will be well trained in the art of operating under intense scrutiny. Here in the Big City you need to take the terrorist/rabble rouser out of his game. You must have a Menacing Glare. You have to give the appearance that you are one bad-ass mofo who just doesn't give a fuck. You have to look crazier than a psychopathic serial killer on a bad acid trip. Practice in front of a mirror until you can unnerve yourself.

We must play on the fact that most terrorists and North Korean crack troops have been fed propaganda leading them to believe that we Americans are fat, lazy and complacent cows. How surprised will they be when they get here and see that we are all crazy as fuck? Remember you have got to back the Menacing Glare up. If you see someone you suspect is a terrorist or enemy insurgent, get right up in his or her grill and demand that they explain themselves. If spittle is not hitting their face when you do this, you aren't close enough and you certainly aren't yelling loud enough. Appearance and attitude is everything here folks. You must be a bad-ass mofo.

3. Keep Your Weapon Close At Hand.

Unless you are a member of Delta Force, you probably aren't going to be able to take down a well armed terrorist or socialist grunt with just a Styrofoam coffee cup and a Dixie straw. So always keep your weapon and a stock of ammo close at hand. I am not here to tell you what your weapon of choice should be. (A big one and a small one is all the advice I am giving you.) I am just here to tell you to keep it close, keep it operational, and know how to use it. Oh, ladies, if you already have a nice set of cannons, be sure to wear tight shirts. Cause we here at the Sea like it that way. Oh yeah...

4. Know Your Surroundings

You must know your surroundings. I am not talking about the kind of knowledge you have amassed trudging half-asleep like an automaton to and from work every day. The location of the nearest Starbucks is not going to help you when you are being hunted by AK-47 wheeling fundamentalists. At that moment a nice frothy latte is going to be the last thing on your mind.

You need to know everything about your surroundings. Ask yourself these questions: Where are the good places to lay fields of fire in my neighborhood? Where are the natural choke points? How is the sewer laid out? Where are good defensive fall back positions? Where should the M249 be placed? Can the wall in front of your building withstand a hit from a 203 launched grenade? How long does it take to get from point A to point B?

Your walk to work must become a visualization of how you are going to defend your turf from an onslaught of baddies. Believe me, the terrorists are studying up right now and you will not hold and defend your apartment or office building for long if the terrorists know your neighborhood better than you. There is nothing worse than being out-flanked in your own back yard.

5. Know Your Role


Are you an assaulter? A defender? A sniper? Know your role! When the shit hits the fan you do not want to be asking: Where should I be? What should I be doing? You should know the answers to these questions before the enemy is rappelling down the sides of your office building. Know your role! Do your job!

6. Place Caches Strategically


Even if you are well trained, and despite your best efforts, you may have to give up your apartment building or office building in the face of an overwhelming enemy force or due to chemical or biological contamination. Be prepared for this contingency. Strategically place caches along vital escape routes and near your pre-determined fall back locations. It is much easier to give up your initial position if you know you have sufficient supplies hidden and that you can fallback, rest, reload, and take it to the enemy at a more convenient time. Remember only a fool defends the indefensible!

7. Maintain a Supply of Beer and Illicit Drugs


Defending the Homeland is hard goddamn work. It is likely you won't get much sleep, that you will be subjected to scenes of horrific violence and gore and that you will be under a lot of stress to perform. One of the best and most time-tested ways to combat these problems is to have a head full of chemicals. There is nothing more imposing, or that instills more fear, than a man high as a kite wielding an automatic weapon. How can your enemy know what you are about to do if you don't?

8. Assume Everyone Is A Terrorist or Commie Spy


This is Threat Level Orange. You must assume that our society has been compromised. Trust No One. Treat everyone as if they are a potential spy or terrorist. Watch them carefully, study their habits, take copious notes. You cannot afford to be less cautious. You do not want to be one of the "unsuspecting" co-workers, friends, or neighbors after the fact. What would that say about your heightened sense of vigilance? People have been labeled enemy combatants for less.

9. Keep Your Papers In Order


You should insure that your papers are in order, especially vital documents such as birth certificates, passports, and life insurance policies. If you need a secretary, get one. But if you only do one thing, make sure your life insurance is paid up. This is America after all and if you bite the big one someone should get PAID.

All right.. There you have it. Nine tips to keep your ass out of the fire and on the thin red line. So go out there.. Be vigilant and be delicious!
Oh one more thing.. Mr. Ridge, I bet that, if you wore a haz mat suit or an intel silver suit when you spoke in public, people would think you were really cool because you were taking your job so seriously. Just a tip.

Posted by Pernicious at February 8, 2003 10:40 PM