Sea of Humanity

The Doctor Is In

My name is Dr. Houseyoufelin. We will spend the next two minutes exploring your troubled psyche. When we last met you spoke a bit about being dropped off the back of a bus while someone held onto your underwear. I believe you called it a..what is the word…wedgie?

Yes? Yes, I am sure it hurt. After much consideration, I think it is safe to say this traumatic wedgie is the root of your troubles. You see, the tighty whities ripped up between your buttocks splitting what little brains you have in two, thus creating a schizophrenic personality which emerges in times of stress.

A solution? There are drugs. But for this specific type of abuse, I recommend a good Metamucil. I believe some of your underwear might still be hidden deep in your sphincter. Once pushed out, you will feel whole again, I promise. Times up. Two spoons a day. I will see you next week.