Monkeys Fly From Butts
Today scientists in Oslo, Sweden have found a way to make monkeys fly out of butts.
"Cramming the critters up there isn't the problem. We've actually had monkeys in butts for quite sometime now. It was getting them out in a flying manner. That was difficult," said lead researcher Orger Turflick.
"We tried all sorts of methods and without the help of our human guinea pigs this never would have been fully realized," Dr. Turflick continued.
"First, I've been trying to crap him out with a ferocious thrust of my sphincter muscles, but it wasn't enough to keep him airborne for it to be considered flight. So, Dr. Turflick and his team came up with these tiny folding wings that I could place in my anus. The monkey did everything else from there."
But it hasn't been all success. An initial problem the scientists and volunteers kept running up against was premature monkey launch.
"This one time, the monkey try to open the wings too early. And it hurt." Carla noted.
Dr. Turflick explains.
"We tried and tried everything to get the simian timing to correspond with the clench and thrust of their human counterparts. After numerous attempts of the traditional countdown to take off we discovered the solution. A banana was put after each numeral in the launch command."
"One banana, two banana, three banana, four!"
"By not placing a banana after the fourth count we found our human subjects would catch the monkey in their ass by surprise. By that time, it would be too late. The clench and thrust would be initiated and the monkey would have no choice to launch itself from the sphincter, expand the wings, and fly to safety."
With this scientific discovery, linguist are up in arms. This from linguist Jon Cowlick.
"We have been experimenting with new ways to exclaim, "not a chance in hell." Obviously, monkeys can fly out of butts now. So, we fiddled with other animals coming out of butts...elephants, a llama, penguins. None worked or fit quite like the monkey. Everyone just seems to love monkeys. So, we may look into changing the actual physical action to replace flying, such as repelling, rocketing, or swimming monkeys from the butt."
The ramifications of monkeys flying out of butts has yet to be felt in the animal kingdom. Scientist believe this will set a new trend in animal propulsion, replacing flying pigs, which will certainly shake up the industry.Posted by Monkeyspit at August 23, 2004 2:37 PM