Two All Beef Panties?

Burger King has crossed the line. I was sitting at home watching some television when I was accosted with the most twisted Burger King commercial yet.

The commercial opens with a nerdy, dumpy guy wearing a sweater vest and glasses (dork) taking an empty whopper wrapper off of a co-worker's desk. He furtively sniffs the wrapper, then gets a look on his face like he might have just creamed his jeans, and then he full on buries his face in the wrapper and inhales like a mad man. He is interrupted in his illicit wrapper sniffing endeavor by the owner of the wrapper; a lithe female co-worker. She is a good looking woman. The kind of girl most guys wouldn't mind taking a spin or two around the block with (you know what I mean? huh? nudge nudge wink wink). Anyway, the Delicious Tart confronts him with a "What are you doing?". He acts shocked and pulls the wrapper away from his face. Delicious Tart then asks him: "Are you sniffing my wrapper?" There is some additional banter that goes on between the two of them; some humorous finger pointing and name calling. But that is not important for my analysis.

So there are some of you who have seen this commercial and have chuckled thinking "Hey, it is kind of funny what the aroma of a whopper will drive you to do." But I think you are missing the point. That is ok, though. It just means that your mind is not in the gutter. But have no fear, my mind is in the gutter 24/7, so your mind doesn't have to be. Let me lay it on you straight up. In my humble opinion, this commercial is about panty sniffing.

There is no debate here. I refuse to go into detail about all the obvious parallels. Nor the double entendre "Are you sniffing my wrapper?" (You better believe I am baby. Hail to the King baby.) This commercial is nothing but a thinly veiled allusion to the much ballyhooed American male past-time of used panty sniffing! Come on. Don't act shocked. Panty-sniffing has been around for quite some time (It even went main-stream in the movie Vision Quest). A virtual cottage industry has sprung up around the male of the species' predilection for l'eau de vagina. Search it on Google. I triple dog dare you.

But it is not the allusion that is disturbing, it is what Burger King seems to be intimating. Is Burger King really trying to tell us that the whopper is pussy? Or a reasonable facsimile thereof?

Is Burger King telling all the socially inept males out there "Hey, can't get laid? Eat a whopper! Sniff the wrapper! After all, it's just like pussy!" Fuck. That is disturbing. There is no comparison. A burger is not a coochie and a coochie is not a burger. You should never confuse a whopper with the holy grail of the male experience. Never. (Note: Ladies, if your "no-no place" starts smelling like a whopper, see a doctor without delay.)

Sure, we all remember the scene in Vision Quest where Carla catches Louden Swain sniffing her panties in the laundry room. But remember, by the end of that film Louden was dogging that ass. This should never happen with a whopper. I don't care how meaty and juicy it is.

It is amazing to me that we live in a world where Janet Jackson is pilloried for baring her breast and Howard Stern is harassed for his radio show, yet somehow this commercial can be aired over and over again and no one blinks an eye. It's ridiculous.

So thank you, Burger King. Now every time I go to grab some fast food, I have to wonder whether or not that guy who is lingering at the counter staring at the whopper on his tray is wondering whether he should eat the whopper or just fuck it. That is a fine conundrum to be in if you are in bed with your lady. It is just wrong if you are at Burger King with your whopper. Burger King already puts special sauce on those things, so just leave it alone.


Posted by Pernicious at March 19, 2004 1:00 AM


I hate that commercial. Actually, I hate all commercials. o_O

Posted by: Karen at March 21, 2004 1:23 AM

I'll take the one with the Cheese on it no brown buns please

Posted by: at March 21, 2004 4:21 PM

Those new Burger King ads remind me a lot of the BBC show "The Office." I have to admire them for having the idea to rip off a TV show most Americans don't have access to, thus making it look fresh and original, but I still don't think the ads are funny. But then I don't think "The Office" is funny either.

Posted by: Sarah at March 26, 2004 10:58 AM

I will never admire Burger King for anything.

Posted by: Pernicious at April 4, 2004 4:53 PM
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