Winona Ryder's Love Chain

Hi cutie!Television is a celebrity accident scene. Sloshing down a half-chewed sub with cold tea, my eyes glaze over in horror and curiosity. I am watching Winona's Love Chain on the E! Channel. I am gawking. Matt Damon. Johnny Depp. Dave Pirner. David Duchovny. Christian Slater. Daniel Day-Lewis. Beck. Chris Noth. Peter Yorn. Jimmy Fallon. Ryan Adams. All part of her love chain.

A knock comes at my door. I am not surprised to see her standing in front of me. "Do you want to go for a cup of coffee?" This is her best line. I look at her waif figure and ask if she would like to walk my dog. I give her hope. She agrees. She wants to be on my good side. I send her out with a leash and plastic bag. It will be a week of dog walking before Winona realizes I am not interested in coffee.

I awake to a shrill mousey voice and an untuned guitar. She writes me songs and serenades outside my window. One is entitled. "Winona's Love Train" and pleads for me to be the caboose that sets her heart loose. I feel sorry. She has learned nothing from her musical affairs. She continues her ballad as I close my window and cautiously fall sleep.

Flowers have started arriving. A different bouquet everyday. The cards claim happiness and declare "I am the one." They smell of strong perfume and cause visitors to ask if I am well or inquire about a dead relative. I point them to the small figure sitting hunched on the stoop. She has been there for days now.

My girlfriend finds Winona outside my door. She wants an explanation. A beating ensues. Winona ends up needing thirteen stitches. Her determination hardens. I receive a Polaroid of my name branded across her thigh. It is poorly done, probably with a hot hanger.

The restraining order works, only after she is cuffed and dragged away by two uniformed men, both exes. Funny how old flames end up biting you in the ass. If Winona had understood, she might have realized I had seen her constricted twisted chain of love and loss. I would not be another link. I thank television. Its programming always keeps me from making poor personal decisions.

Posted by Monkeyspit at April 21, 2004 10:01 AM

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