Sea of Humanity

Who Farted?

Transcript of Bush's Remarks on the Fart:'We Will Finish the Work of the Fallen'

Q. Two weeks ago, a former counterterrorism official at the N.S.C., Richard Clarke, claimed you broke wind and then blamed it on him while in a private cabinet session. Do you believe you should offer an unequivocal apology for such a flatulence failure and then apparent cover up?

A. Hmmm. Look, I can understand why people in my administration are anguished over the fact that someone broke wind. I feel the same way. I mean I'm sick when I think about the stench. There are some things I wish we had done when I look back. I mean, hindsight is easy. I can assure the American people that had I any inkling that this fart was going to happen, I would of squeezed and clenched. That is what I would of done.

Q. Sir, it was noted that on the evening before your meeting with Clark and your cabinet that you drank a full jar of pickle juice. How do you respond to that?

A. Quite simply, "He that smelt it dealt it." Mr. Clarke has yet to respond to that truism. Maybe you should be asking him what he had for dinner.

Q. But sir, what about the truism that "Whoever denied it supplied it" Aren't you denying it right now?

A. Well, I think we may have to look at some of the reporters that were in the room at that time. because as you know, "Whoever went to the trouble to needlessly place the blame, probably is responsible for the fart that started the game." I believe some of your colleagues have been responsible for the finger pointing. It might be one of them. We will find them, even if we have to smoke them out even if it means using our own holes.

Q. But sir, "Whoever made the rhyme committed the crime." And isn't true that you learn most of your policies from children's books which on many occasions contain rhymes.

A. Like I said, we weren't on a fart footing. We've created a flatulence bureau to investigate and they are looking into reports of terrorist entering the country with the sole purpose of creating Dutch ovens to be used against this country to try and destroy our freedom.

Q. Mr. President, Why are you and the vice president insisting on appearing together before the Broken Wind commission? Is it true that you always keep someone close by as a scapegoat in case gas might emerge from your colon?

A. I am looking forward to appearing with Vice President Cheney before the commission. I have no doubt they will find the culprit

Q. Mr. President, I was asking why you're appearing together. Is it in order to blame your farts on Dick Cheney?

A. I look forward to the opportunity of meeting with him. Listen, whether someone farts or not, I can't help. But you can rest assured it wasn't me. Next question.

Q. Do you smell that?

A. What was the question again? Right, the smell...I don't smell anything.

Q. Sir, did you fart?

A. We can conclude there were noises. I just feel terrible for what everyone in this room is going through right now.

Q. But sir, might you have accidentally let one go? I mean the smell is kinda lingering around you?

A. I mean, when I look at it I say to myself, we are saving freedom. Freedom for individuals to have a say. And my heart goes out to all of those who have lost.

Q. Sir, many of us feel you have a silent but deadly agenda at this press conference and quite frankly the stench is stupefying.

A. I don't know what that means. We must hold fast and we must waft, this nation depends on it. Thank you for your questions and good night.

Stay tune next week when Condeleeza Rice answers to accusations that she enjoyed the smell.

Posted by Monkeyspit at April 14, 2004 11:03 AM